The Long List of What-Could-Have-Been(s)
Recently, I have been going down the rabbit hole of — ‘what could have been the outcome’ had I made a decision differently. It could be triggered by the unsatisfactory phase of life I’m in right now — with placements looming over our heads, online classes & assignments in the middle of a pandemic and lack of physical contact with a lot of close friends. Or simply put, with a lot of time by myself, it’s become a habit to introspect, break down and criticise every decision I’ve made until now that has led to this point. Of course, the critic in me conveniently ignores the unprecedented pandemic we’re in right now and how nothing I did in the past could’ve possibly prevented that. (Or not maybe — you know the butterfly effect and all!)
Well, needless to say, it’s not a very enriching hobby. It’s like that episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S — ‘The One That Could Have Been’, which I did not enjoy watching because their alternate reality seemed much worse than their actual lives.
However, when I contemplate a thousand decisions I’ve made in the past, it’s always based on the assumption that my life would somehow magically be better. I know, I know, it’s a classic case of the grass being greener on the other side. Nevertheless, it’s fun to revel in this messy habit.
More often than not, it's about the career choice I ended up making. Well, unlike Robert Frost, I didn't opt for the road not taken. In fact, I opted for a road, overcrowded and saturated, that millions of others also chose — Engineering.
The what-could-have-been-s usually start with a ‘What if I had taken Commerce in 11th?’ and then goes on to ‘What if I chose to go to Pondicherry University or Hyderabad University’ and sometimes onto wild paths like ‘What if I had written SATs and applied to universities abroad?’ Somehow it’s the last question that is filled with regret — because it is something I didn’t do as opposed to a choice I made. After the HPAIR conference, and my visit to the Undergrads Admission Tour at Harvard, it made me regret thinking of learning abroad as a near-impossible-task. It’s a wild path I know, but the regret is about not thinking or researching enough about different options and ultimately settling for engineering.
Well, I usually wrap these very interesting thoughts with a conviction to make the best of it while I’m here. And also, understanding why my past self made these choices in the first place. It’s very easy to judge your younger, more naive self with the information and wisdom you have today. But, I also know better than anyone why I made these choices.
Regrets or not, the choices a more innocent me made have resulted in some of the happiest moments of my life so far too! So, well here’s to accepting your past choices and embracing your present self!
