One of Those Days
Today is one of those days where I feel terribly lonely. It’s one of those days when I isolate yourself from my friends and family. The reasons that led to this seem quite silly and small. But somehow, everything culminated into me spending almost the whole day in my room alone, with my laptop, phone and STLD notes for company.
With no one to talk to, I have resorted to writing. (I know what you are thinking, what a sad life!) I already wrote a piece before but found it too personal to publish. So this is another attempt to just let off some steam and be my own therapist.
Over the past few days, I have realised that I am quite a sensitive person. And no, not in a good way. I can be so emotional and sensitive that it can affect my daily activities. I feel like the results of my third-semester exams are going to make that very evident. With three exams done, I cannot confidently say that I wrote even one of them well. There were too many days before these exams when I was anxiety-ridden (about completely unrelated issues) and ended up slacking off the whole day. I would read some topics from here and there, have no clarity on the subject and end up losing interest in it. This, in turn, leads to procrastination, scrolling up and down Instagram meaninglessly or sleeping. This very article is an example of my procrastination.
I recently did an online test to find my Emotional Quotient (EQ). While I am aware that one cannot completely trust the credibility of such tests, getting 44 out of 200 did not really help my mental state. I don’t know why I let my emotions get the better of me. I don’t know why I prioritise them so much that I end up losing focus on my end semester exams. And looking back what are these emotions that overpower me? One day, it was the fact that my Visa date is too close to the journey that worried me and hence the associated worry of the price of Air Tickets increasing too much. The other day it was the fact that I would be missing Arts fest and would miss out on all those fun practice sessions that seemed to trigger my emotions. Another day, it was that fact a lot of my friends are in town for holidays and I just can’t be with them guilt-free thanks to these exams stretched over a month. There’s constantly this voice running in the back of my mind that I am not doing anything worthwhile and that I am being too comfortable in mediocrity.
What do I do? It almost feels like this exam season has completely drained out any sort of motivation I had. It’s so sad how directionless my routine seems now that I miss my old self, the more motivated, the more energetic one. It’s like I think too much about the exams but do very little for it. I want to start afresh and pick up a new hobby or a new skill just so I can regenerate that energy. Boy, do I sound like someone going through a mid-life crisis!
But yes, I simply cannot wait for this exam season to get over. The reminders my brain sent me to study simply seem to nag me down, instead of getting me to work.
The venting session is over. I realise now that there seems to be no start or end to this piece. If someone made it till here, you surely do deserve a pat on the back for reading this!
