And I Wait.

I wait for the perfect time to start loving my body. When I have toned arms and visible ab lines. When my tummy fat doesn’t embarrass me anymore. When my double chin is non-existent. When I have flawless skin and laser hair removed arms and legs. When my hair doesn’t look frizzy anymore. That’s when I will start loving my body.

I wait for the perfect time to start taking care of myself. When I have a big kitchen, an air fryer, an oven, and all those cute little Amazon finds, that’s when I will cook regularly and eat healthy. When I have a big bathroom with an aesthetic mirror, when I can afford all the expensive products, that’s when I will have a skincare routine. When I live in a big apartment complex with a gym with a personal trainer, that’s when I will work out consistently. When I live in a great neighborhood with big, safe, and green parks, that’s when I’ll go for outdoor runs and walks. When I have a pretty balcony to sit in, that’s when I will be diligent in getting my daily dose of sunlight.

I wait for the right time to be confident. When I learn some more, when I work some more, when I’m more experienced, that’s when I will go for tech meetups. When I feel like I have achieved something worthwhile, that’s when I will stop avoiding conversations about ‘the hustle’. When I am more senior at work, that’s when I will start speaking up more. When I am no longer so obsessively self-conscious, and I when I no longer cringe at myself, that’s when I will start initiating more conversations. When I am more confident, that’s when I will stop feeling like an outsider.

I wait for the perfect time to have fun. When I have a ‘pinteresty’ themed house, with a massive dining room, that’s when I will start hosting dinner parties. When I live in a place without a curfew for visitors, that’s when I will start inviting friends over and hosting game nights. When I live closer to a dance studio, that’s when I will resume my dance classes. When I make some more money, that’s when I will take more vacations. When I don’t find the need to seek approval from anyone, that’s when I will color my hair purple or go on solo trips. When I save some more, that’s when I will gift them something special.

I am stuck in a perennial race. I tick off tasks, only for more to get added to the list. I try hard and hit those goals, only to realize the goalpost has moved away. That ‘perfect’ life I dream of, is only an illusion.

When you achieve your definition of perfect, you discover the definition has changed again. And you keep waiting for the ‘perfect’ moment to do all of these things you dream of. But alas, the ‘perfect’ moment never comes. And so, here you are in an endless wait.